here, in this moment
i can feel your heart shatter
as i lie next to you
i know nothing will make
it hurt less or disappear

there’s a hole in you
it’s not a void i can fill
although if asked
i’d rearrange the stars
and move mountains for you

you don’t want me to wait
but i would be ever so patient
in your waiting room
if it meant i could get lost
in your eyes all over again

– all of our grief

i’ve determined for my sanity,
i’ve finally reached the furious stage of grieving
this anger won’t go away
and unless you want venom, don’t bother

i hope you’re happy someday,
and find what you’re searching for.
for anyone future loves’ sake please just don’t.
don’t treat them like you treated me.

i did not fucking deserve any of this.
i really was scared about connecting with you.
after getting an emotional divorce,
in all but legality from my former.

i was terrified to feel this way
and warned by all who care.
i gazed into your blue eyes,
you didn’t just look through me then.

i found such comfort, peace, and understanding
felt like an equal, unedited and raw
like i could be my truest self,
and things were just right with you.

i broke down my walls. all of them.
i trusted you. you made me trust again.
then you took all of that work,
and threw it in the fire, and watched me burn.

some advice for the future,
i know you didn’t ask for
but i’ll give you, free of cost,
since you refuse to see a therapist:

don’t talk about moving in with someone
if you’re using them as a placeholder
until someone from your past comes along
begging for you, like they didn’t just shatter you before

don’t hold hands with someone,
don’t tell them you don’t want to have sex
and you just want to talk all night,
if you’re taking a step back and no feelings are involved

don’t buy someone thoughtful gifts,
go out of your way to spend quality time with them
and treat them like they’re special
if you’re just going to ignore them for weeks

don’t say communication is
the most important thing to you,
but then turn about and
not communicate

don’t say you can see yourself with anyone,
you’re mentally unwell, you need help,
and don’t know where to start,
when you just want to fuck your ex.

don’t spend time voluntarily with someone,
and then throw it back in their face
like they forced you to and were
“taking up every weekend”

it’s not fair the way you treated me
you can do all the mental gymnastics
you want to justify it
but just leave me the fuck out of it

– you don’t hold hands with someone you’re just fucking